Ups and Downs

I was quite proud of myself during this current band tour for not flipping out hardly at all so far. My friend, the singers girlfriend, had quite a rough time on saturday night. I managed to remain calm and avoid raising my voice or crying at all. But finally that all fell apart yesterday.

Simon was due into Melbourne yesterday. Somehow they ended up choosing this rediculously long route, so instead they were due today. This made me really angry and I totally flipped out. The route they had chosen and driven on for 4 hours that day, had gotten them no where. They had gone the long way around so they ended up with more time left to go than they started with that morning. So of course today, they did not arrive until late. About an hour ago to be exact.

Simon was meant to stay with me tonight. He was meant to get into the city early and come back to my brothers place with me after he finished work. This was the plan and suddenly it all went to shit. So my emotions got the better off me and I lost it totally.

When I lose it, I don't just have a yell or a cry and let it all be resolved. I demand the end of the relationship. I decide that i cannot possibly spend another second risking my happiness for more disappointment and heartbreak. So instead of getting an appology and moving on, it pretty much sets the theme for the rest of the tour.

But really, not many people do understand how hard it is dating someone who sometimes puts you second to a hobby. Who doesnt seem to realise the impact this time apart and dedication to something other than them really has. And it has a huge impact. It is shattering to the self esteem and hurtful in every way possible. Lately marriage has been a huge thing on my mind and this band seems to be the thing getting in the way. While one of the members is getting married soon, my member doesnt seem to be able to see the possibility of both. He tells me he does but it is so hard to imagine.

So again I spend a night along, hurt and disappointed that I was put second to a band. Hopefully it is all okay tomorrow but every time this happens, there is a little bit more damage that feels irrepairable.