Butterflies

For the first time in the almost 6 years of my relationship I came to the realisation that I would never get that first time butterflies feeling in my stomach again possibly, for the rest of my life. That feeling you get when you first start seeing someone. The nervous first date. The nerve racking, but oh so sweet first kiss. Those first little touches in secret places. Right down to those fireworks that come with first time intimacy.

I am a passionate person. I crave affection and want a relationship that remains intense and overwhelming right til the end. However lately my own has not been one of fireworks and rainbows. There have been some very difficult days. The affection has been sparse and all because my partner is fulfilling other dreams in his life.

Of course I am happy for him, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I fear that it is only a matter of time before I may lose him. Or if I do stick by him, and say things do spiral out of control. Do I really want to be the girlfriend/wife who stays at home with the kids while he is off partying and living the high life on band tours and whatever else. This may never happen. But what if it does? Am I prepared for that?

No... I don't think I am!

Instead of butterflies now, I get an emptyness that craves his touch. I just want to be held. I want to be desired. He is always too busy, too tired, too distracted. Maybe this is just a temporary phase. I hope so. It has been too many years of my life to want to give up now. I just want the passion back. I want to feel first time butterflies all over again.