Tonight

He came home from work to find me lying on a picnic rug in the backyard reading a psychology case study book. He lay down beside me and gave me a kiss, telling me he does want to marry me and it will be soon, but maybe not as soon as I want it. He said he doesn't want to put a time line on it and while I know that should be okay, I just feel like there is always something holding it back.

Him wanting to wait until after overseas is yet another thing that makes me paranoid in thinking perhaps he doesn't want it with me. Perhaps he is simply trying to avoid it forever. But if that were the case would he want me to come overseas with his family? He keeps talking about how this holiday will be huge for our relationship and the other stuff will follow.

I think we just have very different perceptions on how things should be and what order. I am still quite upset and this is something that I will probably continue to dwell on simply because I have no control over these feelings, but for now I am going to give it a go and see if it takes me where I want to go.