Tired and Aching

This first week of my new job has been so exhausting. I am mentally and phsyically drained from the information overload. However, it has been good and I look forward to getting beyond the induction week and into some real practical experience in the psychological field.

However, the drive to and from work is a massive 70kms a day. That means a tank of petrol a week and while that isn't too bad because I have a small 4 cylinder car that is cheap to run, I would rather not have to drive that far each day though. So I am really trying to get the moving out thing in progress now.

The difficult thing is that both Simon and I are working long hours now, with neither being home much before dark or before the close of business for real estates and everything else. Then Saturday mornings he usually has band practice so that gives us very little time to work something out. We can look up houses online but the application process becomes difficult without time to drop the application in. Hmm... I can see this is going to be a long, frustrating process.

However, I think we really need to get it going asap. We seem to be going in circles after so long together without the moving out part. We have really bad times, then we go on a holiday or something, get really good again and everything is perfect, and then we fall back into that rut of not moving forward and we get tense again. I think it is the step we need to take now or things will only keep repeating in this painful cycle.

Boys *Rolls Eyes*

Sometimes I wonder how we manage to put up with men at all! But then other times they are so loveable that we just cannot get enough.

Last night as predicted, Simon sorta pretended everything was fine. He turned up and kinda jumped on me for a hug and a kiss, but it was obviously planned for that purpose. I appreciate it though because it meant he took the step to break the icy tension and that always helps because I am not so good at that... hence the reason we ended up where we did in the first place.

Then the night was a little up and down from there and news of him having practice tonight only agitated me because I wanted more time together that felt good again. He kissed me on the way out of the door and said 'Everything is fine' because he knows I over worry about things. That is a part of me though and it drives him crazy sometimes.

His band practice was cancelled at the last minute so he'll be here soon anyway. Its good because I have so much new stuff to share with him about my latest day of induction at my new job. A phonecall simply would not have measured up.

No Better

Still have not heard from my boyfriend. Things are definately in a state of the unknown. He was online earlier and I got confirmation to see that he read the email I sent in the heat of my upset. No reply... but I hardly get replies even when they are positive.

I get the feeling he will probably just turn up in the next hour and often he pretends nothing is wrong. Personally, I am so exhausted from my new job that I cannot even be bothered acknowledging anything that caused the arguments either... but then again it probably needs to be resolved.

Its just a crappy feeling because this was how we ended up regularly before we got things back on track. Lots of random arguments about things that probably didn't need to be argued about and lots of hang ups with no returned calls or explanations that sort of fizzled out. ARGH... I hate relationships sometimes!

Unresolved Again

My second day at work will only be a long and painful process now because tonight I am sitting here crying over unresolved relationship issues. Why is it that it never seems long before the next big fight happens? And why can he say such insensitve things and then ignore my calls for the rest of the night when it is so clear I am upset and need to talk? He never wants to talk and only gets angry when I cry.

When we were first together he would call me back until we resolved our fights and we would never go to bed on an unresolved fight. Now I dont think we ever go to bed with a resolved ones and it is so painful because we don't live together so instead of waking up and talking then, I have to go a whole day at work distracted and miserable and then several hours after I get home before I might even see him.

I called so many times and left messages but still he ignores me. Sometimes I wish I could just stop loving him and walk away!

First Day

I woke up this morning after having had a very sleepless night and a bad dream. First day job nerves and fear of the big drive. So knowing that I was leaving the house around the same time my partner starts work, I sent him an eary morning text message telling him how nervous I was. He replied with a message along the lines of 'Stay calm, take your time and use your de-mister'. He knew that most of my nerves were based around the drive... and it was raining to make it worse.

His simple message helped me to relax and get there safely. Although I just realised I did not turn the demister off. That means I drove home with it on and did not really need it. Ooops! I really need to master this whole driving thing one day. Still so much to learn.

Right now I am waiting for Simon to come and give me a big cuddle so I can tell him about my first day at work and flop in his arms in front of the TV because I am exhausted.

Getting Very Nervous

I had Simon come with me for a drive out to my new work today since I am not a confident driver and have only had my license a few months. It is the longest drive I have done since having my license. Its about 25 or so minutes along 3 major highways. I did okay but it is so much easier with a second set of eyes and just someone providing support in the scary situation.

He wished me luck tonight and told me to stop worrying. I wish I were more like Simon sometimes. He does not really ever get nervous and he has confidence in everything he does. He doesn't really understand how I get so nervous and has more confidence in me than even I do sometimes. He is my rock.

I wish I could just shrink him and keep him in my pocket tomorrow :-/ I can't even take my mobile phone into my new prison job.

How Infuriating!

Why do men only seem to be able to do the good thing for so long before they manage to piss you off?

Simon is at band practice and was due to finish at 2pm. He knew I was waiting to hear from my sister because she had something major she needed to talk to and it turns out it was something about my neice and is quite bad. A bit after 2pm I rang him to tell him I had finally heard and what was going on and every time I tried to talk to him the idiots in the band would start playing their instruments loud so he could not hear me.

I am so angry. He should have told them to shut up or walked out of the room because it was a serious matter so now I am only going to remain angry with him later on. Sometimes I really hate those guys. And I hate how he lets them get away with anything!

Dinner and Movies

Last night Simon took me out for dinner at an Italian resturant and to see a funny movie, to celebrate my good news. Before the movie we even went to a bar and had a couple of drinks as a toast. The odd thing about that is that I rarely ever drink, but he insisted we have a toast.

The nicest part was that I got to tell him all about how I am feeling and where it will take me and discuss all the details and he was genuinely interested. He didn't do the typical male 'bored' thing even though a lot of it was probably totally confusing for him, having never been to a counsellor or studied to be one.

Is It Normal To Be Scared?

My life is finally starting to go the direction that I want. I am on the verge of finding out that I have an awesome job straight out of uni and a job means I can finally move out with my boyfriend after so many years. But suddenly I am scared.

I am scared that when we move out together, maybe things will change. I don't want them to change other than for the good, but I am scared that moving out will mean less quality time and more fighting or just different priorities. It makes me almost want to pause my life so I can leave it how it is now.

I am also scared that maybe I won't be brilliant as a counsellor and then I will doubt my career path. What if I don't have what it takes? I am not an extrovert and maybe I should be in that career. I am good one on one with people, but I hate public speaking in front of large crowds and I hate phoning people. I am so scared that instead of it getting easy after a bit of practice, I will be no better at these things.

Why does the future hold so much scary stuff in it?

Early Celebration

Even though I haven't even been given the definate answer that I have the job, Simon is so certain that its mine that he wants to take me out for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. He thinks that its a given so we might as well do something nice.

I'm not complaining about the free dinner... Italian to be exact... but I certainly hope I get the good news now. With any luck I will hear tomorrow, so that dinner tomorow night will be for a good reason!

It's Nice When They Remember

I had a site tour for the prison job I applied for this week as the next step in my interview process. It sounds like I am pretty much going to get the job, but just have to wait until the final decision is made.

Less than 20 minutes after I left the interview, Simon called to see how I went. He was his usual optomistic self, stating that of course I was going to do well and I should believe him more often. As frustrating as being a know it all is, it is certainly nice to know our partner has faith in us.

I told him all the details and what happened and how I don't want to get too excited until I know for sure. He said it sounds pretty much like you have it and that it is a special job so its not like every other process of getting a job. That made me feel good to know that he thinks the type of work I am looking for right now is 'special' and he sees it as more than just a job. It made me feel like he actually appreciates my career goals and that made me even happier to know.

Gotta love those simple moments that mean a lot!

Future Plans

I might be jumping ahead a little here, because I have not yet gotten the job I so desperately want right now, but I have already started looking at possible suburbs that we could move to if I do get this job. I have found several that are under 10 minutes from the prison where I hope to get the job, which is great because it really is in the middle of no where and I did not realise it was so close to some of these suburbs. They are also places that are closer to my boyfriends work than where he lives now too.

Oh how I can't wait for life to fall into place again finally! It's my turn for some good luck ;-)

One Of Those Nights

Is it just me, or do other people sometimes have those nights when you just feel cranky and find something to get angry about with your partner? Tonight was one of those nights for me. I was annoyed because he was late over and then I questioned him about something and he gave me an answer which really bothered me because I knew it wasn't true.

He doesn't seem to realise how much worse it is to lie about stupid little things than tell the truth. The truth makes me angrier for less time than a lie. He said he did not recall what I asked which could actually be true. He does forget things he sees as irrelevant but more often, he avoids the truth if he thinks it will upset me.

So I got angry... then I did the crying thing... and the back turning thing... and the well its over thing... then eventually I let him make it better after letting him tell me good stuff for an hour and how all the best times in the future will be ours and soon we'll be moving out and nothing will stop us this time, once I have a new job and it will all be wonderful.

I think I was worried that after such a great holiday, we would be so ready to move out and it would have been the perfect time then, but after a month or so it would start to show cracks again and we'd end up back to square one. We have been doing great lately but my paranoia probably crept back in tonight.

Its frustrating because for me, all my best moments in life have been with him and I cannot imagine a favourite memory not involving him. Whereas being a male, they have just as much fun with or without us, so while they say 'Of course the best times were with you', we are thinking to ourselves, no they weren't. You're just saying that!

Oh how frustrating the differences between genders are!

Good News To Share

When Simon arrived I could not get the grin off my face at my good news. A call back for a second interview for the job I applied for. I spent the next half hour telling him every detail of the interview and the process and what happens next.

He congratulated me and gave me a big hug and kiss. One of the frustrating things about Simon is that he always expects the good thing to happen even when I am doubting it. So when I am stressing that it won't go to plan, he expects the good news so he always ends with an "I told you so". It's great that he has so much faith in me but frustrating that he doesn't understand my paranoia!

I rang him after he left to express more about my fears of getting so far in the interview process only to find out I still didn't get the job. He is always good at providing that little bit of a confidence boost when I am in doubt. I hope this time it pays off!

Future Looking Brighter

I have a second interview with a job I applied for. Pretty much almost my dream job. So things are looking up. With a job again, it means there will be nothing but the competitive rental market stopping us from moving out soon.

Time for things to go my way!

Another Weekend Gone

There was not a lot of quality time spent this weekend, with my boyfriends band playing 3 gigs. It made for a lot of travelling and very little time alone together. But with so many late nights and early mornings, at least it made the weekend last longer than usual.

I was worried we would argue last night because Simon likes to stay out drinking and I prefer to go home with our own transport, but there is no way I am driving around the city centre after only 5 months with my license. But on the actual night, he did not ask again about staying out and was happy to go home after all the bands finished, so there was no unpleasentness.

Today we saw the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie again. Second time because he fell asleep at the end the first time and thought it was boring over all, so being a movie adict, he suggested we see again. This time after we watched the 2nd film again and it all made sense and was a lot more enjoyable this time.

Then we game home and I was a bit nervous and emotional knowing I have my first psychologist job interview tomorrow for my dream job but I do not think I'll get it with so little experience. But we had a quiet night with some passion.

The funny, yet disturbing thing is that he laughed at the fact that I had a little bit of armpit stubble. I guess it was the first time in 5 years he has seen that since I'm usually good with that and I don't have dark hair. I got embarrassed and he said it was sexy. Wierd. But it shows that when you love someone, even their not so perfect bits are suddenly good too.

Next weekend we get the house to ourselves so that will be a good chance to make up for some lost quality time this weekend and have a quiet night in cooking and snuggling!

PS2 and Exciting News

Why is it that no matter how good I am at any game on PS2 (and I know I am pretty darn good), that my boyfriend still manages to beat me? So frustrating. It was a trivia game even. One of those Buzz games with the buzzers and he has won 2 out of 3. I am meant to be the brainy psychology graduate! Usually I am a pro at all trivia type games, but the Buzz ones have too much music and sport and really, I cannot out do a sport loving musican on these.

And why is it also that when you have news that is exciting to you, men never seem to understand the importance? Like my news of having a job interview at a place that would be everything I hope for and instead of being excited with me, I get a 'But it isn't a job yet'. Grrrrrrr! Just be excited with me! Don't rain on my parade!

I guess men are there to serve the purpose for bringing us women back to earth and perhaps we do the same for them too.

Wasted Night

I knew this week would involve very little quality time with Simon, much like last week. Last weeks constant band practices were the result of this weeks constant gigs. He was meant to have 4 this week so last night, a Wednesday night, we had to drive an hour to where they were playing at the Gold Coast. We got there and they were told they would not be on until 12:30pm now. That is just crazy on a Wednesday, and Simon had to get up for work the next morning early, so he said he didn't really want to do it. Then one of the other guys suggested they pull out. So they did.

It never looks good when a band pulls out like that but I guess their egos give them reason to believe it will not decrease their chances of getting gigs. Afterall, they are meant to be the next big thing in Brisbane heavy metal, much to my horror that I will lose my man to his band.

So we ended up driving all that way, just to watch football in a club they didn't play at and then drive all the way home. I even went to the effort of looking really nice, which was rewarded. Simon actually commented on my hair looking good and that is an extreme rarity for him to compliment without being asked. So I did later tell him I appreciated his comment just to encourage future compliments as well.

Tonight is our only chance at quality time until Sunday really so hopefully we have a nice night together. Sometimes it is so hard trying to compete with band time. He only knows how to devote himself to one thing at a time, so as much as I try to drum through to him that he can be loving at a gig, he doesn't see it. Ahh well... tomorrow night the fun begins!

Walk In Another's Shoes

Yesterday I had an interesting, if not slightly disturbing experience. I went to work with Simon. He is currently standing in for his manager, thus making him the current Quality Assurance manager for a major food chain meat works. Sounds terrible. Actually there is very little about a meat works that doesn't sound a little yuk. But he has been working there since before I knew him and yesterday he had to go into work on the Sunday to check the temperatures of the meat in certain rooms, due to a public holiday today.

So I went along.

I had to put on all the typical uniform type stuff. Hairnet and white lab jacket, with no jewellery. So wierd and it was funny to see Simon in his work gear with his steal cap boots. He still looked sorta sexy even with his funny outfit.

He took me through where he had to conduct all his tests and showed me around in general. It was a huge place and the hanging dead cows was a horrible sight. I'm not a vegetarian but I do get upset thinking about how many animals are slaughtered for food each day.

I even met a few of his co-workers, including a women older than his mum who called him boss. It was amusing hearing my boy being called boss.

I even tried to convince him for a quicky in his office... but it was only a half serious attempt and he is far too conservative or "tired" for that sort of naughtiness ;-)

Still, it was interesting to have a better idea of what he does each day as it is an experience I never expected to have. It just goes to show that even after 5 years together, or 50, you will still never know every aspect of your partners life. Try as you might, there are certain bits that will always slip through the cracks.

One Area Still To Work On

With how well our relationship is going after our holiday, I had really hoped we had ironed out any of the general issues we were having and mostly we have. Except one.

It is so frustrating but in my relationships, its not the female that is 'too tired' to get it on... its the male. He works long hours, with early starts and isn't really a night person. For him, its always pushed right to the end of the weekend. I'm lucky to get some sort of Sunday morning intimacy. It just drives me insane because the morning loses a lot of its romance and passion.

The main issue is that when he says he is too tired or wants to wait until morning, it just makes me paranoid that he doesn't want me the way he used to. I know deep down it isn't the case, but it still doesn't stop the insecurities kicking in and the tears of not being wanted. I hate feeling rejected.

He thinks when we move out it will all flow much better and happen more often... but until then I still have to live in constant expectation of hearing 'Later' or 'Tomorrow' when I try to initiate those special moments with my partner.

Why can't everything be easier?

Inspirational

The romantic holiday must have inspired me. I am writing again after years of only having written essays and a thesis. It is great to be back in the novel mode, however instead of working on my previous novel, I was struck with a new idea. And it's got romance, passion and action. Almost like a Pirates of the Caribbean meets Helen of Troy... which is totally strange sounding, but it came to me in a dream.

Whoa that sounds wierd... it came to me in a dream. I have a lot of wierd dreams, so I guess its only natural to use them for inspiration.

It seems that my holiday was good all round. My relationship is going really well even though I have not seen Simon much since we got back with all his band comittments. But we are getting along so well. Although he is hogging the bed a bit right now, so when I turn off the computer and attempt sleep, I may have a different feeling!

Wish me luck with the writing :-)

Insecurities Are Evil

Tonight I got struck with a massive, over-whelming sense of insecurity suddenly. This happens to me sometimes and may be the curse of being female. Or maybe I am just a freak? Who knows.

I told Simon about it and he said it is because we just had a great holiday and now I'm expecting something to go wrong. I think (hope) that is exactly the reason because it makes sense. That was very philosophical for Simon.

Later on I started thinking about the moving out thing again and how much I hate that he goes home and has dinner with his family rather than with me. It sounds strange when I put it like that, but I want to be the one he comes home to and I want him to eat meals I prepare and share that time with me. I hate that we come home to seperate houses still after all this time and I truely do believe that part of why we struggle so much is because we have been in the same place in our relationshp almost from the start. We are well over due to move out and it just isn't going well trying to change that. There are no houses available where we want them and the rental market is so competitive.

I am so worried that we will fall back into negative attitudes and bad habits, after getting things back on track again after our wonderful holiday. This would have been the perfect time to move out together, if only it had gone to plan. But instead I do not know how much longer until it happens.

Strong Bonds and Future Hopes

Since our return home, things have been really good and really bad all at once. The really bad, I am happy to say, has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship and isn't really that bad at all. I am just sad to be home after such a lovely holiday and so bored at home without a job yet, or a house to move into or any of the other goals I planned to achieve while we were away. I also have a killer sore back which may have been the result of the massive amount of walking we did on our holiday.

Things with Simon, on the other hand, have been really really good. I feared that when we got home, things would instantly be how they were before we left and he would snap back into everyday, non-romantic and inconsiderate Simon. But he hasn't. We haven't done alot since got home, but last night we relaxed together, looked at our photos and shared memories, while watching TV (yes still watching tv). Tonight he has band practice so I won't be seeing him but he just made the effort to SMS me and told me how his day has been and actually asked me how I am and that he wished we were still on holiday. These simple things mean alot and I do feel that our bond has been strengthened since our holiday.

So at least one part of my life right now is going well!

A Couple of Holiday Photos

I uploaded all the holiday photos onto the computer this morning and it seems that we took 138 in 4 days. I guess we certainly did look like tourists up in Cairns, which is funny since it is in the same state in which we live. Ahh well... memories are important and photos are a great way to record them. Here are a few of our holiday snaps.



The train up the mountains to a rainforrest village called Karanda



A waterfall in the side of the Karanda mountain



Green Island, on the Great Barrier Reef



Cairn's on an overcast day... and it was still warm enough for t-shirt and shorts!

Back From Holiday

What an amazing 4 nights we shared. The only complaint I have is that it was far too short. We needed at least a couple more days to experience all the wonders of Cairns in tropical north Queensland. It is winter here in Australia, yet it was still warm enough to swim in Cairns. I love the summer so the weater is great for me... but most importantly... the holiday was romantic and memorable for Simon and I.

The moment we arrived in Cairns we were both filled with so much excitment at getting to experience a new destination together. In our 4 days away we explored so much, ate way too much good food and spent so much money. But most importantly, we re-strengthened the bond that we share.

We celebrated our love in passion, romance and just simple excitment of sharing new experiences together. We took so many photos, which I will add a few soon. We hugged and kissed more than we have in months. Neither of us wanted to come home. It was just so wonderful.

And since I never had a chance to get a card for our anniversary, I brought a couple of post cards on the day from a tourist location we went to and that night I filled one in with a loving message and left it on Simon's pillow when he was making a coffee. He gave me a big hug and a kiss when he found it and on our last day, he returned the favour and filled one in for me too. I have always collected post cards so that just makes this one more special than all the others.

I wish we could still be on our holiday and that it never had to end. Now I just hope those 4 perfect days are enough to keep us strong and positive now that we are back in the reality of real life. I don't want to fall back into old habits and I hope the renewed passion stays alive.