The rollercoaster ride that has become my relationship never ends. The ups and downs are so frequent. I just want a nice steady ride for a while but it seems impossible to get there. No more ups and downs... bring on a nice stable merry go round or something instead.
We had another bad day yesterday. I am on the verge of giving up. I cannot handle the constant unexpected bad times. I just want to be happy and feel secure and stable in my relationship. Maybe that day will never come.
He has been at band practice most of today so we havent had a chance to sort it out. He made me breakfast as a peace offering but it is at the stage of needing so much more than that. He messaged to ask if I wanted to go to his parents place for dinner tonight as well because they asked. I told him it isn't exactly good timing with us how we were and not having a chance to sort it out first but it is up to him as I haven't planned dinner. Haven't heard since. No idea what is happening.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tonight
He came home from work to find me lying on a picnic rug in the backyard reading a psychology case study book. He lay down beside me and gave me a kiss, telling me he does want to marry me and it will be soon, but maybe not as soon as I want it. He said he doesn't want to put a time line on it and while I know that should be okay, I just feel like there is always something holding it back.
Him wanting to wait until after overseas is yet another thing that makes me paranoid in thinking perhaps he doesn't want it with me. Perhaps he is simply trying to avoid it forever. But if that were the case would he want me to come overseas with his family? He keeps talking about how this holiday will be huge for our relationship and the other stuff will follow.
I think we just have very different perceptions on how things should be and what order. I am still quite upset and this is something that I will probably continue to dwell on simply because I have no control over these feelings, but for now I am going to give it a go and see if it takes me where I want to go.
Him wanting to wait until after overseas is yet another thing that makes me paranoid in thinking perhaps he doesn't want it with me. Perhaps he is simply trying to avoid it forever. But if that were the case would he want me to come overseas with his family? He keeps talking about how this holiday will be huge for our relationship and the other stuff will follow.
I think we just have very different perceptions on how things should be and what order. I am still quite upset and this is something that I will probably continue to dwell on simply because I have no control over these feelings, but for now I am going to give it a go and see if it takes me where I want to go.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Then Not So Strong Again
Last night I got into an argument with my partner about how he is not really saving hardly at all yet so far and we are supposed to go overseas for 6 weeks at christmas time, yet he keep spending his money on the band and on touring.
Then it came up about how he won't even be able to afford to get engaged and he said he never planned to propose overseas. It left me feeling totally shattered because all along I thought the reason he had been waiting so long was because he was waiting for that perfect moment. But it was never the plan at all.
Things turned really bad. We had to go to my sisters place for my nieces birthday and said nothing to eachother the whole time. Then nothing when we got home until I ended up crying hysterically for an hour before he finally bothered to acknowledge me.
He does not understand how much it hurts to find out that after all these years there are still so many things holding him back from getting engaged. It means so much to me to be his wife and to have a family with him but it seems these things are moving further and further back. 6 years is only months away and then seven and eight and however many more before he is finally ready.
Am I waiting for something that is never destined to come?
Today he sent emails saying it will come soon but that isn't the right time and we need the timing to be perfect etc etc etc but all I am hearing is not now. Not soon.
Just when things start to go really well for us, it all comes crashing down. Is it ever our time to shine as a couple? Or am I waiting for a dream that will never be fulfilled?
Then it came up about how he won't even be able to afford to get engaged and he said he never planned to propose overseas. It left me feeling totally shattered because all along I thought the reason he had been waiting so long was because he was waiting for that perfect moment. But it was never the plan at all.
Things turned really bad. We had to go to my sisters place for my nieces birthday and said nothing to eachother the whole time. Then nothing when we got home until I ended up crying hysterically for an hour before he finally bothered to acknowledge me.
He does not understand how much it hurts to find out that after all these years there are still so many things holding him back from getting engaged. It means so much to me to be his wife and to have a family with him but it seems these things are moving further and further back. 6 years is only months away and then seven and eight and however many more before he is finally ready.
Am I waiting for something that is never destined to come?
Today he sent emails saying it will come soon but that isn't the right time and we need the timing to be perfect etc etc etc but all I am hearing is not now. Not soon.
Just when things start to go really well for us, it all comes crashing down. Is it ever our time to shine as a couple? Or am I waiting for a dream that will never be fulfilled?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Everything Going Strong
My birthday wasn't overly special this year. Just did not really feel like a birthday but it was a nice weekend as far as my relationship went. We are doing really well since he returned from tour. He has been putting in more effort and just seems to be a little more concious of my feelings. I hope it lasts though. I made sure to tell him last night that he has been more loving lately and it is feeling pretty good overall right now.
The only thing I told him I wished would improve would be his feedback. I just would like to know the little things he likes about me instead of the generalisations. If I ask what he loves about me, he'll say everything. If I ask for specifics, he wont' give them to me and never randomly compliments certain things, like an outfit I wear, or how my hair looks or anything like that. I just want to know the certain things he likes and hear it from him without having to ask.
But I'm sure he can learn! He isn't so silly he can't learn that one little thing ;-)
The only thing I told him I wished would improve would be his feedback. I just would like to know the little things he likes about me instead of the generalisations. If I ask what he loves about me, he'll say everything. If I ask for specifics, he wont' give them to me and never randomly compliments certain things, like an outfit I wear, or how my hair looks or anything like that. I just want to know the certain things he likes and hear it from him without having to ask.
But I'm sure he can learn! He isn't so silly he can't learn that one little thing ;-)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day
Last night was really nice and went really well. My partner made reservations at a place we had never been. He even had a rose and card waiting on my pillow when I returned from work. Very sweet. As crazy as it is, a card with a romantic message from him is one of the most treasured gifts from any special occassion. Words mean so much more than items.
So we went to dinner, had a romantic night over all and it was just really nice. I am happy to say this Valentine's day was a success and he loved his scrap book present I made him and even plans to share his chocolates with me.
So we went to dinner, had a romantic night over all and it was just really nice. I am happy to say this Valentine's day was a success and he loved his scrap book present I made him and even plans to share his chocolates with me.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Presents
I even got presents on my partners return from band tour. This is the first time he has remembered. Usually he says he will definately get me something and never does so it is a nice little gesture to know he thought about me.
He is being quite loving since his return too, which is great. I just hope it lasts because the lack of lovingness and romance is what got us in a bad place before he left.
He is being quite loving since his return too, which is great. I just hope it lasts because the lack of lovingness and romance is what got us in a bad place before he left.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Unusual But Nice
I recieved another short call from the friend in the band last night. He called to see how I was holding up over the weekend with the band tour and all. It was surprising to receive the call but really sweet to know he was thinking about the things we spoke about the other night still.
I let my partner know that I received another call and he made some typical male comment about perhaps having a crush on me. As is perhaps the normal response.
Then later on when I called my partner to see why I hadn't heard from him to say he was back at the accomodation safely, he told me he'd spent 40 minutes talking to my friend in the other band about me. He said it was amazing to know someone felt the same way about me as he did but in a friendship way instead of the relationship way. He said they spoke about my intellegence and the ease of talking to me and in general just really good stuff about me. I was shocked and amazed.
He also spoke to one of the other members of that band about our overseas trip this year and how special it will be as the other guy is from Czech and they can understand each other when speaking their own language, with Simon speaking Polish. So all in all, sounds like he spoke quite often of me lastnight. Quite reassuring since one of my biggest fears about tours is him having so much fun he forgets I even exist back home alone.
Apparently I have even got a present coming home with him but it sounds strange. He said I won't believe it is for me and will think it is really for him but it is for me. I have no idea what that could be or if it is even a good thing!
I let my partner know that I received another call and he made some typical male comment about perhaps having a crush on me. As is perhaps the normal response.
Then later on when I called my partner to see why I hadn't heard from him to say he was back at the accomodation safely, he told me he'd spent 40 minutes talking to my friend in the other band about me. He said it was amazing to know someone felt the same way about me as he did but in a friendship way instead of the relationship way. He said they spoke about my intellegence and the ease of talking to me and in general just really good stuff about me. I was shocked and amazed.
He also spoke to one of the other members of that band about our overseas trip this year and how special it will be as the other guy is from Czech and they can understand each other when speaking their own language, with Simon speaking Polish. So all in all, sounds like he spoke quite often of me lastnight. Quite reassuring since one of my biggest fears about tours is him having so much fun he forgets I even exist back home alone.
Apparently I have even got a present coming home with him but it sounds strange. He said I won't believe it is for me and will think it is really for him but it is for me. I have no idea what that could be or if it is even a good thing!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Valentine's Gift
Last night I decided to make my partner a valentines gift instead of the commercial habit of buying him one. I started a scrapbook all about us. I have already done the first 3 pages and have the background complete on the next two. It is going well however my niece is coming to stay tonight so I'm not sure if I'll get much more done before he comes home. Sunday night will probably be my only other chance before Valentines.
I don't expect to have the whole scrap book finished by the time he is home. That would be near impossible. But it would be nice to have about 6-8 pages complete to begin with.
I don't expect to have the whole scrap book finished by the time he is home. That would be near impossible. But it would be nice to have about 6-8 pages complete to begin with.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Home Alone
The house is empty other than the pitter patter of tiny feet (my cats) and my partner is interstate for the weekend. This is one of those weekends I dread months in advance. The emotional rollercoaster is always overwhelming and unpleasent, no matter how hard I try not to ride it.
Last night was not the perfect night I wanted it to be. It never is. The night before a tour is always an emotional and difficult experience. However, we got through it and this morning we were on good terms. He even left me a love note on the bench to come home to. I will admit I suggested it, but it was a really sweet letter and I will look at it whenever I feel upset this weekend.
Work is insanely busy and I am happy to say it kept me so busy today I barely even thought about him going away. But then maybe that was because today was only the travelling day and tonight is the start of the actual gigs and partying. Tomorrow might be a different story but hopefully not. I will most likely work an extra hour or so to get on top of my insane workload. And provide a distraction that extra couple of hours.
All in all, off to a good start of keeping sane!
Last night was not the perfect night I wanted it to be. It never is. The night before a tour is always an emotional and difficult experience. However, we got through it and this morning we were on good terms. He even left me a love note on the bench to come home to. I will admit I suggested it, but it was a really sweet letter and I will look at it whenever I feel upset this weekend.
Work is insanely busy and I am happy to say it kept me so busy today I barely even thought about him going away. But then maybe that was because today was only the travelling day and tonight is the start of the actual gigs and partying. Tomorrow might be a different story but hopefully not. I will most likely work an extra hour or so to get on top of my insane workload. And provide a distraction that extra couple of hours.
All in all, off to a good start of keeping sane!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Reassuring Call
There is a guy in a pretty well known interstate band who just so happens to be playing the same gigs as my partner during this weekends tours. We hit it off ages ago randomly at a gig and have maintained semi regular contact since. I guess if there were ever a person to instill a sense of jealousy in my partner, he is the one, even though it is totally unneccessary. But it is nice to know he is human.
Tonight I was Myspacing and sent this person a quick email to say I wish I were coming along this weekend. In reply he phoned me and asked if I was okay because I didn't sound so good in my message. We talked for about an hour about band stuff, relationships and general insecurities. In some ways he made me feel pretty good, in otherways, he probably provided the wake up call I sometimes need when the insecurities kick in. He pretty much says it like it is so it might have been just what I needed to hear.
My goal is to now try and take some of the advice on board and see how I go about getting through this weekend painlessly. He suggested I buy a ticket and fly on down for the shows, but I know that is totally unreasonable. Instead, I'll do as he said, and try and get back into old hobbies and have myself an enjoyable boyfriend free weekend. And if that fails, there is always my niece coming to stay on Saturday night for company. I can totally vent to her. Fifteen year olds love to complain so that will work too!
Tonight I was Myspacing and sent this person a quick email to say I wish I were coming along this weekend. In reply he phoned me and asked if I was okay because I didn't sound so good in my message. We talked for about an hour about band stuff, relationships and general insecurities. In some ways he made me feel pretty good, in otherways, he probably provided the wake up call I sometimes need when the insecurities kick in. He pretty much says it like it is so it might have been just what I needed to hear.
My goal is to now try and take some of the advice on board and see how I go about getting through this weekend painlessly. He suggested I buy a ticket and fly on down for the shows, but I know that is totally unreasonable. Instead, I'll do as he said, and try and get back into old hobbies and have myself an enjoyable boyfriend free weekend. And if that fails, there is always my niece coming to stay on Saturday night for company. I can totally vent to her. Fifteen year olds love to complain so that will work too!
Monday, February 4, 2008
Tuesday
Finally a drama free day. Last night went smoothly. There was affection, tenderness and romance. No raised voices. No slamming doors. Most of all... no tears!
Things are looking up however he leaves for band tour on Thursday and is not returning until sometime late Sunday night. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for these absences, they are always difficult times. I know I will be an emotional wreck, particuarly so soon after the events of the weekend. The worst thing is he is home only days before Valentines day and my birthday. Usually we take a few days to mend after the emotional rollercoaster of a tour. I don't want to be arguing around valetines or my birthday.
He belives the future looks bright and we will be closer than ever. Always optimistic!
Things are looking up however he leaves for band tour on Thursday and is not returning until sometime late Sunday night. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for these absences, they are always difficult times. I know I will be an emotional wreck, particuarly so soon after the events of the weekend. The worst thing is he is home only days before Valentines day and my birthday. Usually we take a few days to mend after the emotional rollercoaster of a tour. I don't want to be arguing around valetines or my birthday.
He belives the future looks bright and we will be closer than ever. Always optimistic!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Love Not So Strong
I am emotionally drained after the weekend. It is Monday morning and I could easily crawl back into bed. Yesterday I must have shed more tears than what seem humanly possible. It just felt like I could no longer move forward in this relationship.
Things have been tough lately. It has been a busy time for my partner, but it was too many weeks without much romance or affection or just understanding and it reached a point where I really did feel like there would be no return. The weekend was promised to be one of romance and making things good again. Instead I almost walked out that door for good.
But I didn't. And hopefully it was the right decision. Only time will tell. Since the tears finally ceased last night, he has been more attentive and even this morning he held me longer than usual before heading to work. Even fed the cats which is something he never does before work. And half an hour after he left, he sent me a message on my phone reminding me to shut the bedroom windows and wishing me a good day and that he loves me. A simple gesture but one that goes a long way after so long without feeling particuarly loved.
It will be a long process getting us back on track completely but hopefully he has finally seen what needs to be done and will begin getting it there again. The worst thing is there are only 3 days together... 2 actually, before he goes away for 4 days interstate for his band. It leaves very little time to strengthen the bond enough to make me feel secure during that weekend apart.
Things have been tough lately. It has been a busy time for my partner, but it was too many weeks without much romance or affection or just understanding and it reached a point where I really did feel like there would be no return. The weekend was promised to be one of romance and making things good again. Instead I almost walked out that door for good.
But I didn't. And hopefully it was the right decision. Only time will tell. Since the tears finally ceased last night, he has been more attentive and even this morning he held me longer than usual before heading to work. Even fed the cats which is something he never does before work. And half an hour after he left, he sent me a message on my phone reminding me to shut the bedroom windows and wishing me a good day and that he loves me. A simple gesture but one that goes a long way after so long without feeling particuarly loved.
It will be a long process getting us back on track completely but hopefully he has finally seen what needs to be done and will begin getting it there again. The worst thing is there are only 3 days together... 2 actually, before he goes away for 4 days interstate for his band. It leaves very little time to strengthen the bond enough to make me feel secure during that weekend apart.
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